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Sexy for ourselves
In the play Coming in Hot (see “The play Coming in Hot,” April 7, 2010), a young woman’s story drew a soft, ironic laugh from me. Her smarts saved her from being raped by another soldier with whom she served, and during formal questioning about the incident, the interrogator states that the young woman wore a black bra under a white T-shirt. He uses the statement as an accusation, the pathetic, ancient, worn-out, yet terrifying charge to the woman accused that her dress or behavior caused an intended or actual criminal act of sex by a man. In other words, the man’s conduct was the woman’s fault. My laughter may seem perverse, but its catalyst was the insane chutzpah of systemic, institutionalized stupidity. I imagined other women laughing too, silently or otherwise. Women’s astute laughter. It can bond us whether we’re sitting next to one another in a theater or thinking similar thoughts from international distances.
A black bra symbolizes sex, so a woman wearing a black bra is a symbol of sex, and a sexy woman can only mean slut because women who show that they’re sexy or who like sex are sluts. The “logic” of that progression completely bypasses any regard for women’s liking to dress as they so desire, which may indeed be conventionally sexy. The transparency of the garment over a black bra adds to the “fact” of deliberate seduction. (Whether women dress for themselves, for men, or for other women is a subject of perennial debate, but it isn’t the subject here. Neither is the subject of women’s actual ability to choose or show how they’ll look sexy–at those times when they feel or want to feel that way–in a culture that readily misapprehends women’s sexuality.)
One man likes my bangs. Another wonders why I’m hiding the erotic terrain of my brow (pretty much his words). One man loves and buys me beautiful bras and panties, another doesn’t seem to care at all about flirtatious undergarments. Some lovers go for my reddest lipstick, while another wonders if he can hide my lipstick when we’re spending a few days together at his home. I do comply with some desires and requests. I’m not an absolutist about my appearance, and I enjoy pleasing a lover. More than that, however, I enjoy pleasing myself. Which is a matter of being comfortable.
My friend Dianne reminded me how important it is for women to feel comfortable with our decisions–about our clothes, in our hearts, and in bed with those with whom we choose to have sex (whether we name it fucking or making love). I met Dianne for dinner on a recent trip to New York. The night before that, I’d had a first date with a man I met online. I found him very interesting and attractive. In some of his and my conversation over a slow meal, we talked about sex, sexuality, and past relationships: in a relaxed manner we were discovering each other’s histories, psychology, and preferences. Afterwards, he asked if I’d go back to his home with him. I said No. I was feeling great, I had a lot to think about, and I wanted to be by myself. I related all that to Dianne, who encouraged me to continue in my state of delight and emphasized how important she thought it was that I’d chosen to be happily by myself after the lovely date, that I chose what was best for me; and she asserted almost vehemently, for she is very gentle, that young women in particular need to know that they can and must choose what’s best for themselves.
Pressures from a culture and individuals we women wish to please, so that we can be liked if not loved–the fashion and beauty industries, so-called girlfriends who are actually unfriendly to our confidence, and men–can bring us face to face, if we let them, with the more potent pressures that exist within us, the ones that cause us to list and reel uncomfortably away from the kind of pleasure that I write about in my books and on this blog.
These days I’m thinking of sexiness, experiencing it in myself and others, as softness, a willingness adorned in any clothing that a person chooses. That may be a black bra under a white T-shirt. It may be loose jeans and an oversized and faded cowboy shirt.
- April 27, 2010
- Filed under: Beauty, Men and women, Pleasure
- Comments 10
yes! i like this entry a lot. you’ve nicely described the individual differences of feeling one’s own sexiness when garbed in what feels right for oneself! yes!
and what’s really interesting is how the same person can feel wonderfully full of sensual comfortable self one day in a shirt & and jeans and the next day in a skimpy wrap-around. comfortable…. isn’t that when one isn’t concerned with or projecting what others are or might be judging?
This is wonderful, Joanna! That piece in the show has garnered more discussion than any other. That men can’t keep it together because women are too sexy is an incredibly intense subject and conversations get more heated, tense and polarized more quickly around that subject than any other raised in the play.
We’re laughing with you, sister!
I love this! The thing is, I put on the black bra and cream sweater (which the cop called a “white shirt”) AFTER the guy broke into my room and attempted the rape. I’d already gotten him out of my room, but I was so out of it, I just dressed in whatever I found, not thinking about my appearance, and it still was brought into question by the cops, used against me as some sort of proof.
That shared laughter feels so good~
Thank you so much for writing–and clarifying the circumstances.
…and today, it’s the dress I wore all day yesterday, slept in last night, and when night comes, may fall asleep in again.
This and the post on peace just beautiful–and fun! Namaste.
Beauty and fun, an excellent combination.
hi, was just looking at this again, and….. wondering….the category of “men and women” for this post, without more, seems…. what…. limiting… ? … incomplete….? heterosexist?……. not trying to be a troublemaker…. just wondering. isn’t this also “women” or “women and women” ?
Your point is well-taken, and it leads me to clarify the category “Men and women,” which I meant to suffice for all of the 3 following subjects: women, men, women and men. Which may be insufficient for “women and women” and “men and men.”
funny. “people and people”?
“relationships”?
i leave it up to the crafty yogic aphrodite!